Dien Cai Dau
by Draco38
Summary: Just a little humor off the top of my head.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Black Lagoon or it's characters.

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_Dien Cai Dau_?

Rock got up from his bed and stretched before heading for the bath. He felt really good after his shave and shower. As he walked back into his room, he glanced at the wall calendar as he did every morning. He stopped and looked closer as he saw the date. "Oh yeah!" he thought. "Today's the day!" He looked himself over closely in the mirror as he finished getting dressed and smirked a little as he headed out the door.

The salaryman walked into the Lagoon office to find no one there. He heard Dutch call, "Hello?" Realizing Benny and Dutch were in the kitchen getting coffee. "It's me Dutch!" Rock called back. "I'm just picking up some papers before I head over to Hotel Moscow."

"Ok," Dutch said as he stepped to the kitchen door. The black man suddenly froze with his coffee cup halfway to his mouth. "Ah umm…Rock? Are you feeling ok?" Dutch asked as he saw the Japanese man heading back out the door.

Rock paused and leaned back in the door, "Yeah, I feel great! I should be back after lunch sometime. Later!"

As the door closed, Dutch heard Benny behind him clear his throat. "Ah Dutch?" Benny asked, "Was that what I think it was?"

Dutch nodded, "Yep, that's why I asked him if he was feeling ok."

"Oh," Benny said quietly. "Do you think we need to call somebody?"

Dutch shook his head, "Oh no, not me brother."

000

Balalaika looked up from her desk as someone knocked on her door. "Come!" she called out.

Boris opened the door and cleared his throat, "Em, Kaptain? Rock is here."

She noticed a strange look on Boris's face as she said, "Good, Tell him to come in."

Boris stepped to one side as Rock walked past and bowed to her.

"Good morning, Ms. Balalaika. I have the papers you wanted me to go over for you." he said.

Balalaika glanced at Boris who was still standing by the door behind Rock. Boris shook his head slightly and shrugged his shoulders. "Ah…yes Rock, is there anything I need to know about them?" she asked as he handed her the packet.

"No, I believe everything is in order, but you will need to sign off on them," he replied.

"Thank you Rock, ah… I need to send some papers over to Chang, would you be so kind as to carry them for me?"

"I would be happy to," he replied.

"Wait in the hall for a moment please," she told him.

Rock bowed again and stepped out.

Balalaika waved Boris over and whispered to him, "Has he cracked up? Freaked out? Taken some drugs?"

Boris shook his head and whispered, "He seems to be fine, but…I don't know what this is about!"

Balalaika took a drag or two on her cigar, then wrote a note on some papers and sealed them into an envelope labeled 'Chang, Eyes Only!'

Boris took the packet and stepped into the hall, handing it to Rock. After the Japanese man left, Boris stepped back into the office.

"Did he say anything?" Balalaika asked.

"He said something about a party at the Yellow Flag later, but that was all." Boris replied.

Balalaika picked up the phone and started dialing. "I better warn Chang he is on his way over; we need to figure this out!"

000

Chang sat with his feet propped up on his desk. The door opened and his #1, Biu, led Rock into the office. As the courier stepped forward and bowed, Chang glanced at Biu who nodded and made a sign that told Chang that Rock had been searched before entering.

"Greetings, Boss Chang," Rock said, "Ms. Balalaika asked me to bring this packet over to you. She seemed to think there was some urgency to it."

Chang took the packet, opened it and read the note. "Hmm…yes it might be. So Rock, how are you doing? Nothing crazy going on in your life is there?" he said.

"No just another fine day in Roanapur. Oh! I did hear there might be a party at the Yellow Flag later, I'm looking forward to it!"

"A party eh, hmm…I'll have to look into that. Thanks for the delivery Rock." Chang said as the younger man bowed again and left.

Biu stepped back into the office afterwards and looked at his boss with questions in his eyes.

Chang shook his head, "I don't know Biu, Balalaika is right though, something's wrong with him and we need to find out what."

000

About an hour later, Rock walked out of a restaurant, picking his teeth after a fine lunch. Turning back toward the Lagoon Company office, he met Shenhua, Sawyer, and Rotten, coming up the sidewalk. "Greetings, everyone," Rock said as he bowed slightly. "I hope you are all feeling well today?"

The three stopped in their tracks and Sawyer suddenly ducked behind Shenhua and Rotten.

Rock winked at the small woman and said, "Hope to see you tonight at the Yellow Flag Sawyer, I hear there is going to be a party!" Rock grinned as he walked off down the street and they all turned to follow his progress, with Sawyer keeping the other two between her and Rock.

As they watched him walk away, they saw Eda rumbling up the street on her Harley. Rock waved to her as she passed and when she spun around to look at him, she almost crashed her bike. The nun slid to a stop by the three hitmen and asked, "Was that Rock?"

They nodded and Shenhua said, "I think dumbass go dinky dow finally! Twinkie must drove him over edge!"

Sawyer stuck her head out from between her two friends, and with a worried look on her face said, **"He…scared me…Eda…"** Eda simply nodded and wondered what had happened.

000

Bao was putting bottles on the shelf behind the bar when he heard Rock say, "Hey Bao! Give me a shot of Bacardi!"

"Sure Rock," Bao replied. "Where Revy? She not with you?" The bartender reached for a glass and bottle before turning towards the bar. He froze for a moment as he saw Rock and then slowly poured the shot.

"Nope, she was out on a job and will be back in a little bit." Rock said as he knocked back the drink. "See you tonight, ok?" Rock said as he tossed some bills on the bar before walking out.

Bao shook his head and thought out loud, "I wonder if Dutch know boy gone _dien cai dau*_? That damn Two-Hand done pushed him over the ledge! I better call Dutch."

000

After several more stops, Rock made his way back to their office. As he reached the door he heard Dutch speaking. "I don't know Revy, I got people calling me from all over town asking if he's flipped his lid!"

Rock snickered and pushed open the door. "Hey Revy!" he said. "I'm glad your back!"

Revy, standing in front of Dutch's desk, turned and stared at Rock with her mouth open.

He walked up to her and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. While she stood stunned, he reached into the bag he was carrying and pulled out a few pieces of hard candy and dropped them into her tank top. "Hey! I hear there is a party at the Yellow Flag later! See you there!" he said as he turned and quickly went back out the door he had just come in. He stuck his head back in and looked at the stunned crew for a moment, "Oh, and by the way? Trick or Treat!" He then raced down the stairs, heading out the front of the building.

Revy reached into her top, pulled out some of the candy, and turned toward Dutch. The man could hear the candy being crushed in Revy's grip. "Dutch," the gunslinger snarled. "What's the date today?"

Dutch looked puzzled and then down at the calendar on his desk, "It's October 31st, Revy….OH SHIT!"

Dutch and Benny looked at each other as Revy screamed, "THE SHIRT! HE'S GOT ON THE FUCKING SHIRT I GAVE HIM! ROOOOCCCCCCKKKKK!" She shrieked as she raced out the door after him.

"Crap," Benny said. "Does this mean he's had his Halloween costume on all day long?"

Dutch just hung his head and reached for the phone.

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**Author's notes:** This happens after my stories Beach Blanket Bingo and Quick Change. I wish I had thought of this one before Halloween! I had a friend that was a Vietnam brown water navy vet. He was always popping off Vietnamese phrases of which dinky dow was one I picked up.

Updated 9/4/2013: I went back over this and fixed some grammar and formatting. There is a sequel called Rock's Trick or Treat.

As always, please review and favorite this and my other stories.

Dinky dow: American 'grunt' corruption of Vietnamese "dien cai dau", Meaning batty, squirrel bait, whacko, goofy, Etc.

"Man, you is boocoo dinky dow!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Dien Cai Dau_?

I really did not intend to add a second chapter to this story but the more I thought about it the more I felt I had left it unfinished.

As always I do not own Black Lagoon, Etc.

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"Come on Dutch, it'll be fun," Benny said. "When is the last time you dressed up on Halloween?"

"Too damn long ago for me to be doing it now," Dutch grumbled, "I never thought that when this started this morning it would set off what it has." The phone rang and Dutch grabbed it before Benny could reach for it. "Hello Lagoon Company. Oh hey Eda, no she's not back. No, I have not seen Rock either. No I have not heard any shooting…ok…just a sec." Dutch stuck the phone out, "Benny, she wants to talk to you." Benny took the phone and walked toward the computer room speaking low.

Dutch walked to the window and looked out over the streets of Roanapur. He shook his head and thought, "Halloween in Thailand!" The more he thought about it though; Roanapur did have a large population of Europeans and South Americans. Plus just the other day Rock was talking about how Halloween was getting more and more popular in Japan. As Dutch turned back to his desk he noticed something out of the corner of his eye on top of the liquor cabinet. "Hmm…" he thought, "Just maybe this once."

000

Rock sat and watched the door from his favorite stool at the Yellow Flag with his back leaning against the bar. Bao leaned on his side of the bar next to him picking his teeth with a toothpick.

"I still think you gone _Dien Cai Dau_ Rock. Halloween in Roanapur? It will end up more like Hue city during the Tet offensive if you ask me."

"Bah," Rock said, "I'll probably end up drinking by myself tonight and heading home early."

"Where is Revy anyway?" Bao asked as he started his routine of polishing the glasses on the bar.

Rock shook his head, "I don't know, someone said they saw her on the back of Eda's bike earlier, but didn't know which way they went."

"Eh, no telling what those two crazy bitches might be up to..." Bao's voice went quiet with a whispered, "What the fuck?" under his breath. Rock looked around to see Bao staring down the bar toward the hallway that led to the back door.

Standing in that door were Dutch and Benny. The computer geek was dressed in black loafers with black pants pulled way up over his stomach, where you could see his white socks and ankles. He had on a white button down shirt with a pocket protector full of pens, rulers and was wearing a bow tie. Somewhere, he had gotten a set of black rimmed glasses with tape on the nose piece. "Hey Rock!" the blond said as started towards the bar.

Dutch on the other hand looked like …Dutch…or did he?

Rock cocked his head over to one side and was staring at his boss when Bao said, "Dutch? What the fuck are you doing with that steel pot on?"

Rock realized then Dutch was wearing an old US Army helmet with a big peace sign on one side, flowers on the other and several items stuck in the elastic band around the base.

"This is as close as I'm getting to a fucking costume so live with it." Dutch as he took his seat next to Rock at the bar.

Rock leaned out and said, "Benny? Where did you get that outfit?"

"Well," Benny said as he smiled, "Jane likes to dress up and play engineer and…."

"WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" the other three cried as Benny flinched. "Well, anyway, it's been hanging around my room since her last visit, so I put it to use." The other three just shook their heads as Bao set drinks up for all of them.

A few minutes later they heard the rumble of Eda's bike as it pulled up outside. A nun dressed all in white with a huge hat with wings came in and headed for the bar.

"Eda?" Dutch said as she walked up, "Really? Sister Bertrille? The Flying Nun?"

Eda smirked and hung on his shoulder saying, "HA! Got it in one Dutchy! Yeah we had some of these old outfits lying around the church, so I thought I would put one to good use." She reached out and took the drink Bao set on the bar for her. "Anyway there is more than one way to fly you know baby!" she said as she knocked back the shot. "Plus," she snickered, "It got a laugh out of that old penguin for once!" Dutch laughed out loud at the thought.

Everyone was drinking and talking when a hush fell over the bar. They all turned towards the door to see three figures walking up the main aisle. Shenhua, Sawyer and Rotten were dressed in late 1800's Victorian clothes with white faces and black lips. As they stopped before Rock, they all smiled showing vampire fangs in their mouths. Shenhua hissed and said, "Hello dumbass!" as Rock almost fell off his bar stool.

Rotten placed a box he was carrying on the bar and opened it. In a British voice he said, "Oi mates! Ere's a little taste of love from our dear Mrs. Lovett! Hope you enjoy them!"

Dutch pointed at Rotten and said, "Sweeny Todd! So that would make Sawyer …Mrs. Lovett… and her meat…pies…" Dutch's voice trailed off as everyone leaned over and looked into the box where half a dozen fresh baked meat pies sat.

Sawyer reached in and took a piece of one of the pies before holding it out to Rock. **"You first…Rock."** She said as she smiled as sweetly as she could with her vampire fangs shining.

Rock sat frozen for a minute and then with one eye squinting at Sawyer he leaned forward and took a bite. "Uhhhhmmm," Rock said as he chewed, "Damn that's good!" The room was still quiet and everyone was staring at him as he looked around. "Oh come on!" Rock cried out, "its chicken!" Sawyer giggled and began to spin dance around the floor as the others reached in to try the pies.

Rotten leaned in close to Dutch and said, "She made beef and chicken. She wanted to make some pork ones but I talked her out of it."

"Thank you oh so very much Rotten!" Dutch said as he bit into one of the treats.

Boris and Biu opened the front doors for Balalaika and Chang and the foursome stopped just inside. Sawyer, Rotten and Shenhua as well as several of the hookers and other regulars were dancing to _The Monster Mash_ that was blaring from a boom box sitting on the bar.

"Well damn!" Chang said as he looked over the top of his shades, "when the boy said there was going to be a party he meant it!"

Balalaika laughed as they dodged dancers while working their way to the bar. "Well Rock," she said as he turned around to greet them. "Looks like you got that party you were talking about this morning."

Rock smiled and replied, "Yeah now the only thing missing is Revy, but I have no idea where she is."

Chang reached out and patted Rock on the shoulder, "Don't worry Rock, she'll show up sooner or later." Chang noticed out of the corner of his eye Eda putting a cell phone in her pocket with a smug smile on her face.

Suddenly everyone froze as the front doors crashed open and a woman walked in. "Oh crap!" someone cried out, "Lovelace Maid!"

Indeed the woman standing in the door was dressed like the terminator maid, but did not quite have the same build. She was holding a tube device that looked at first glance looked like a grenade launcher.

"HAPPY HALLOWEEN YOU FUCKERS!" Revy screamed as she worked the action and with a 'Boomff' sound the tube spit out candy into the air over the crowd.

Even though a couple of Columbians did faint, the rest of the crowd roared with laughter and began to grab the candy as Revy walked up the aisle reloading and shooting to her left and right. Boris reached up and snatched some out of the air as it went past. "Ooo, Tootsie Rolls! I like those!" he said as he handed Biu one.

"Nice catch bro!" Biu said as Boris popped the candy into his mouth and replied, "Da! Thanks!" and began to chew.

Revy stopped in front of Rock and said, "Well Rocky baby, you started this shindig, so looks like it was up to me to wrap it up!"

"Revy! Where have you been? I've been worried about you! Where did you get that outfit?" Rock asked as Revy tossed the candy cannon and bag of ammo to Eda.

"Give'em hell bitch!" Revy said as Eda and Benny started loading the tube. "Do you know how long it takes to get this shit on and what all is under it? Oh and if you're lucky you'll get to find out later!" She said as she winked at Rock. Rock blushed as Dutch, Balalaika and Chang all snorted their drinks at Revy's statement. "A little scary bird has all sorts of stuff like this and let me borrow this one." Revy winked at Sawyer who waved as she spun past.

Revy leaned in and looked Rock dead in the eye. "There is only one question Rock and you better think carefully about the answer. Just what do you think you're dressed as asshole?"

Rock leaned back against the bar and said, "Oh Revy! That's an easy one! I'm a tourist!"

Everyone around them watched as Revy hung her head and began to shake. She raised her head howling with laughter as she hugged her sides. "Oh god! Oh crap! Of all the things I could have thought of I never thought of the one that is really almost true!" She picked up her glass and said, "To the most honest man in Roanapur!"

"Here, here!" the others cried as Revy leaned in and gave Rock a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

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A/N I want to thank author Just Another Soul for all the great S,S&R stories and the idea of the meat pies.


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